


Someday (Gonna be Free)

by InsaneJuliann



Series: The Evolution of Buddie [6]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Feelings Realization, M/M, Pre-Relationship, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:08:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24255640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneJuliann/pseuds/InsaneJuliann
Summary: Karen points out to Eddie that maybe, his ideas of what a relationship has to look like are something he needs to reassess. She lends him a book, and before Eddie knows it, he's having one epiphany after another.But... the biggest one?He wants to tell Buck everything he's been thinking and working through lately.
Relationships: Eddie Diaz & Karen Wilson (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: The Evolution of Buddie [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1730287
Comments: 100
Kudos: 535





	Someday (Gonna be Free)

**Author's Note:**

> ...Here I am, making a liar out of myself, having just said quick updates won't be the norm. Whatever.  
> This is ALMOST entirely [tarialdarion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarialdarion)'s fault. We started talking about the previous story together after she read it, and then suddenly I was like "this is basically the plot for the next fic" and here we are. It also helped inspire me for what I want to happen in the next fic, too, and now I have an 800 word outline for it, but that's all on me.
> 
> You can thank her for this coming sooner than later, cause I was figuring I'd just sit on it for a few days to not make myself SUCH a liar, but she was very convincing for it being put up sooner than later.
> 
> Titles remain my worst enemy. I swear I spent a good two hours just listening to dozens of songs over and over trying to find one that both fit the mood of this fic and had lyrics that worked for the title, and at this point I've decided I'm overthinking it. (A lot of the songs I listened to where about letting go, the past, and feeling free. Somebody to Love by Queen seemed closest to what I was looking for, I think.)

Eddie was maybe going to lose his mind before he ever figured out his sexuality shit at this rate.

Buck was being tactile. Well, Buck had always been tactile. Arm thrown over the shoulder, walking close enough they brushed arms, falling asleep on Eddie’s shoulder in the cab after a rough call at the end of a long shift.

It’d been more the past few weeks, however. It’d been a hand against the small of his back as he passed, just barely there. It’d been a hand on Eddie’s shoulder as Buck leaned over him from behind, pressed all along Eddie’s back, as he reached for a glass or some snack left on the counter. It’d been leaning close to whisper things – jokes, remarks about civilians on calls, teasing observations about their teammates, questions about what Eddie thought about this or that for dinner.

It’d been a lot of shirtless Buck in the gym lately, too. Eddie was wondering if Buck developed an allergy or something. Buck said it was because he was hot, summer heat and all; the firehouse wasn’t that hot, though, compared to outside, and Eddie was pretty sure Buck hadn’t been this shirtless the last summer.

When it was shirtless Buck in the gym coupled with the increased touching, Eddie usually found a reason to go somewhere else and take deep breaths until his heart wasn’t going so fast and his face didn’t feel so hot.

So.

Eddie had pretty much accepted at this point that he found Buck attractive. That he wasn’t against the idea of kissing Buck, touching Buck, maybe exploring and seeing what else he may or may not like with Buck.

Sometimes, he tried to test and see if he found other guys around LA attractive like that.

It never did anything but make him more frustrated and confused though.

“I’m just saying,” Eddie told Karen as she gave him a look that managed to be both unimpressed and amused over the lid of her coffee.

They were sitting on a bench near the beach, coffees in hand and empty pasty bags on the bench between them. Karen was twisted to face him slightly, one leg folded up on the bench.

“It’s different,” Eddie insisted. “For one thing, it’s not like guys can’t look at each other and appreciate that someone is good looking.”

Karen looked skeptical. “Theoretically? Sure. Realistically? Ehhh.”

Eddie rolled his eyes sharply. “Just because I can – can point to him,” he offered, pointing to a man jogging along the beach, springy afro curls bouncing with each stride, “and say that he’s an attractive man, doesn’t mean I’m into guys.”

Karen sighed, smiling a bit. “And I’m saying, you’re not wrong, necessarily, Eddie. It’s possible. But most straight guys are a bit too caught up in their no homo fears to ever actually let themselves think let alone say things like that.”

Eddie grimaced.

“Also, you said that’s _not_ how you’ve been thinking of Buck lately.”

Eddie groaned, head dropping back. He took a drink of his own coffee before continuing. “Look. I’m not – denying that I… I’m thinking I want to be… physical in a more – different way with Buck.” It was stupid he still struggled to say things like it out loud, and ended up sounding so awkward and weird trying not to have to say it. He wanted to kiss Buck. He wanted to touch him. He maybe was curious about doing more sexual things even.

It just – it was hard.

“But,” Eddie continued. “I’m just saying, it doesn’t make sense to me. How I feel about Buck is nothing like how I felt about past girlfriends, or about Shannon. And I loved her, Karen, I did.”

“I know you did, Eddie,” she said softly. “Okay. What’s so different that keeps throwing you off?”

Eddie ran his hand over his face. He looked away from Karen’s open, curious expression and stared at the waves. “Shannon and I got together when we were in high school. We – it was so intense. We got married a little bit after graduating. I signed up for the army right out of high school, and right after I got sent out the first time, she found out she was pregnant. I got to come back for a bit, towards the end of her pregnancy and for Chris’ birth, and then a couple weeks after I was back overseas. She hated that.”

“That’s a lot to happen in what? Two years?”

Eddie nodded, frowning a bit, more lost in thought. “When I came back, Chris was a toddler, and I – I had no idea what I was doing. Shannon wanted me to stay, but I had done the numbers, and we weren’t going to be able to get him the best care. And I was scared,” he admitted with a heavy sigh. “So I re-enlisted. Shannon was pissed.”

“You guys didn’t talk about it?”

Eddie shrugged. “No. It was the best choice, or so I told myself. I don’t know. I wonder now if maybe we could have figured something out, but I’m not sure. Neither of us had anything more than a high school diploma. I figured – this way we wouldn’t have to worry. And like I said, I wouldn’t have to face Chris’ CP if I wasn’t there.”

“It must have been scary,” Karen offered. “To come back and learn he had CP, and to suddenly face that reality.”

Eddie shrugged. He wasn’t ever going to forgive himself for it.

“So when you were back….”

He closed his eyes. “I wasn’t in a good place,” he admitted quietly. That was all he’d say on it. “This last fight I had with Shannon – my mom had been telling me I was giving Chris a drink wrong, and everyone was talking about what a hero I’d been, and then Shannon was pushing again about going to take care of her mom. I just – it was so much. I just kept wanting more time. Next thing I know, she’s gone and it’s just me and Chris.”

“She just left?”

“With a note that said she needed time too.”

“Ouch.” He glanced over to see Karen’s brows raised. “You guys didn’t, I don’t know, try to figure out a compromise?”

“She wanted to go, and I wasn’t ready to,” Eddie said, shrugging.

“You guys fought a lot?”

Eddie shrugged, looking away. They had. But – “Couples fight all the time.”

Karen snorted. “Um. Not exactly.”

“You can’t tell me you and Hen never had a fight.” Eddie knew they had.

She rolled her eyes. “Of course we have – because our communication broke down, and we were keeping secrets and not trusting each other. We had to build that trust and communication back up, and we have.” She raised her chin. “Relationships are work. And communication is vital.”

“Any time we talked it turned into a fight,” Eddie said. It had felt like it at least.

“Did she know you were going into the army when you guys got married?”

Eddie nodded. Karen made a face.

“I – you said she hated you had to leave after Chris was born,” Karen said slowly. “Did she, I don’t know… this is gonna sound bad, but Eddie, did she throw that at you a lot?”

Eddie shifted on the bench. He had a feeling he knew where Karen was going with it, and he wasn’t sure he liked it. “She had to raise Chris by herself basically.”

“I thought your parents and sisters helped?”

“I mean, yeah, but I told you – they had a lot to say about what I did or didn’t do right with Chris, and Shannon had to deal with that too.”

Karen rolled her lips once, brows furrowed. “But she knew you were enlisted. She knew it was a possibility.”

“I – I guess,” Eddie admitted reluctantly. “But-“

“No,” Karen interrupted. “Look. I’m not saying you didn’t make mistakes in that relationship too, and I never got to really meet Shannon. I didn’t know her, I don’t know what she was thinking. But trying to minimize her mistakes and highlight yours isn’t fair to any of you – you, her, or Chris.”

Eddie looked away. He swallowed.

“Eddie, it sounds like maybe you two didn’t have the healthiest relationship.”

“It wasn’t-“

“I’m not saying it was, I don’t know, abusive or anything.” Karen shook her head. “But that doesn’t mean it didn’t have unhealthy qualities. You’re sitting here telling me you two could barely have a conversation that didn’t escalate into a fight. That’s not healthy. That’s not normal.”

Eddie must have made some kind of face, because her eyes narrowed.

“Did you really think it was?”

He shrugged, looking away. “Parents argue. Couples fight. It’s – you’re telling me that’s not normal?”

“Not when it’s all the time.” Karen’s eyes were steady on him, and when Eddie finally looked back at her, she searched his face. “Listen. Follow me back to mine – I have a book I think might help with this way better than I can. Okay?”

“Okay,” Eddie said reluctantly. The thing was – she’d been helpful with everything so far. She’d never pushed, not until this. Eddie had to trust that she maybe wasn’t wrong about this, that she was only giving him something that might help.

Eddie considered Buck. He considered _Chris_.

He’d told himself he had to figure this shit out before he even thought of approaching Buck about it. Because Buck – if he was interested, and Eddie thought maybe he was (especially with all the – touching lately; Eddie wasn’t an idiot, and those touches had crept their way right to the edge of what could be considered platonic or accidental)… if Buck was also interested in Eddie, Eddie owed it to him to know what he wanted. To know that he was ready to get into a relationship with Buck, or to at least be positive he wanted to try and convey that.

Eddie wasn’t there yet. But more and more lately, he _wanted_ to be.

And Chris.

Chris’ only reference for a relationship was what he’d seen with Eddie and Shannon. Not, Eddie had to admit, the greatest example of one. There was Eddie’s parents – but they argued a lot too. Eddie’s dad had always been pretty disconnected from his life, until his mom brought him in when Eddie was in trouble. Eddie wasn’t positive of what it had looked like when Chris was around – though it had to be slightly different, because Eddie’s dad was retired and around all the time now – but going off of the fact that it’d been Eddie’s model, and Karen was insisting the whole ‘couples fight’ thing wasn’t exactly the ideal….

Chris deserved to at least see Eddie model good communication skills. Eddie tried, but he knew that he still wasn’t great at it. If this book could maybe help….

Eddie would do anything for Chris.

Karen led Eddie inside her home, into the living room where there was a corner with just a pile of toys, and on one wall a small bookcase. She looked around for a bit, before pulling a paperback off the shelf.

“Here. I got this for myself, a little before –“ She smiled, kind of almost a grimace. “When I noticed Hen and I were kind of more distant than usual. I didn’t know how to tell her about my concerns, about it, and so I thought maybe this would help. It did – after everything almost fell apart.” She shrugged, holding it out to him. “It’s good. Not just for relationship communication, but you know – any kind.”

Eddie felt awkward taking it, mumbling a thanks. Karen’s smile widened a bit, and she said, “I got to go pick up Nia in an hour, so if you want to stay you’re welcome to, but if not I’m gonna try to get some cleaning done before her and Denny go through the house like a hurricane.”

Eddie laughed. “Nah, I’m going head home I think. But thanks. Really.”

“Anytime, Eddie.” She walked him to the door, waited until he was in his car to wave and step back inside.

Eddie forgot about the book for a couple days. Chris had a swim party one day, and a sleepover the following one with another of his friends. Eddie had a 24-hour shift that was hectic though thankfully full of mostly minor calls. But finally, Eddie had a short shift at work, and Chris went to bed without much hassle, and Eddie wasn’t all that tired.

So he settled in bed with the book Karen had lent him. It wasn’t even ten yet, so he figured he’d read a couple chapters and after an hour or so he’d turn in for the night.

Eddie paused when he realized he’d just underlined a part of the book that felt – impactful, really resonated with him. He hadn’t even realized he’d done so, and he wasn’t too sure where the pen had come from, but… shit.

He leaned over to the bedside table, unlocking his phone and taking a picture of it. He sent it to Karen with a shocked emoji and an all-caps ‘ **SORRY’**.

It was as he waited for a response that he realized he probably wasn’t going to get one anytime soon.

It was almost two in the morning.

Eddie blinked a few times, surprised.

Course… that explained why maybe his eyes felt a bit dry.

Whoops. Eddie slipped the pen between the pages to mark his spot, wincing at the thought that he might have been doing that before too. He’d have to get Karen a new copy or something.

And pay for her coffee the next couple times they met. Partly because he’d ruined her book, but also… she’d been right. It was helpful.

Eddie was eating breakfast with Chris the next morning when he got a response from Karen. It was a series laughing face emojis, so at least she wasn’t mad.

‘ **Don’t worry babe. Keep it. I can get another.** ’

Eddie frowned, sending her back a frown emoji just to get another laughing face, along with the one blowing a kiss.

Whatever. He’d still buy her a replacement. Chris’ library books needed to be returned today (technically they’d been due the two days ago, but whatever, they were all children’s books so at least the fine was smaller) so he’d swing by a bookstore after and get it. Hopefully. If not he’d order it.

Chris set off immediately for the children’s area when they got to the library. Eddie returned the books, stepping up to pay off whatever fines Chris’ card had. He kept one eye over towards where he could just see Chris, looking through a display of graphic novels.

Eddie went to where they’d been finding the Wayside School books, but didn’t see the one that was supposedly next. Damn. Eddie hoped maybe it was just put somewhere else for the time, but just in case he stopped by the new books section to look through for anything interesting. Chris came over to join him after a bit, a book with sharks on the front in a cartoon style, a Garfield comic under one arm, and something with crocodiles on the front in trench coats.

“We’re gonna have to ask about the next Wayside book,” Eddie warned him. “I didn’t see it on the shelf, so it might be checked out.”

Chris frowned a bit. “Aw.”

“I know,” Eddie agreed. “You want me to come with you to ask?”

“No, I can do it.”

“Here,” Eddie said, digging in his pocket to pull out his wallet. He withdrew Chris’ library card and handed it over. “If they don’t have it, you can put it on hold, okay mijo?”

Chris smiled, nodded, and set off with determination to the desk with the ‘reference’ sign above it. He kept one eye on Chris, but it wasn’t too far away, and Chris knew what he was doing after all the times he’d done it with Eddie. Chris knew not to wander off without telling Eddie where he was going.

It was safe enough.

Eddie picked up a couple books that caught his eye – one with some Spanish in the title, another with two kids of color on the front and a mention of ghosts. The summaries seemed interesting enough, so Eddie’d offer them to Chris as possible alternatives.

Chris came back over a few minutes later, announcing proudly that the book was on hold and they’d get an email. Eddie smiled, ruffling Chris’ hair, and offered out the two chapter books he’d grabbed. Chris seemed particularly in the second one, so Eddie set the first aside for now.

They gathered some more books, picked up the new calendar of events, and made sure to turn in Chris’ current summer reading card for a new one. There was only two or three weeks left, with summer break already quickly coming to an end, but Eddie was sure Chris would finish this third card before then. He thanked the lady that helped them before following Chris back out into the hot sunshine.

The bookstore thankfully did have Karen’s book on hand, so Eddie bought a replacement. He also caved and bought Chris another Wimpy Kid book, as well as a hot chocolate in the café before they left.

Dinner was at Abuela’s, since it was Sunday. Buck was already there when they arrived, listening as Abuela explained something in the kitchen. Eddie’s eyes narrowed, suspicious.

“Are you teaching him recipes?”

“And if I am?” Abuela challenged. “You certainly can’t learn them, and who’s supposed to teach Christopher one day, hm? My ghost?”

“Abuela,” Eddie said mildly.

She waved a hand at him, focusing instead on Christopher and peppering his face with kisses, murmuring to him in Spanish. Eddie sidled up to Buck, peering at the pot with narrowed eyes.

“Is she teaching you her mole recipe?”

Buck smirked, tilting his head slightly in Eddie’s direction. “What if she is?”

Eddie scowled. “That’s like – national secrets level there, Buck.”

“I told you I’m her favorite.”

“Nuh uh!” Chris protested behind them. “ _I’m_ bisabuela’s favorite Buck! You can be her second favorite.”

Buck laughed, while Eddie feigned hurt. Abuela tutted at them all, but she was smiling.

Marisol and Vic joined dinner that night, while Pepa was missing, too tired after a hiking trip with a group of her friends earlier in the day apparently. The conversation flowed easily, and Eddie kind of sat back and drank it in, eyes moving around the whole table. It was all smiles, all pleasant laughter and genuine interest.

As a kid, he’d always had fond memories of visiting Abuela. When he’d gotten older, he’d wondered for a time if it had just been the shine of childhood nostalgia. But since moving to LA, getting closer with her and the family here, Eddie had to face that it hadn’t been that. Abuela just somehow made everyone happier.

“Edmundo, nieto, go show Marisol and Victor what you and Buck did to my porch.”

“You make it sound like we destroyed it,” Eddie muttered, standing up and leading the way to the back door. He held it open as the other two walked out, Marisol murmuring in pleased surprise and Vic giving it an appraising look.

“Looks good, Eddie.”

“Thanks. We fixed one of the steps, too,” he added, nodding towards it. Vic went down the steps, pausing and testing each one.

Marisol sat on the swing, touching where they’d painted it with the same paint of the porch and running her hand over the very thick new blue cushions. “You two want to come fix my front porch?” she joked, grinning. “Vic’s helpful in the garden, not so much as a handyman.”

Vic rolled his eyes, but he was grinning.

“I don’t know,” Eddie mused playfully. “What do I get out of it?”

“Favorite cousin status for the rest of the year,” Marisol said.

Eddie scoffed. “We all know I’m already your favorite,” he said; it was a running joke among all of them about who was the favorite – they all knew it was actually Yvette, who lived further north and only visited for Christmas, usually. She was definitely Chris’ favorite, since she always had some cool new gift for him.

“We’ll watch Chris while you and Buck get to go on an actual grown up date,” Vic offered, chuckling.

Eddie knew his face was flushing red, and he couldn’t help shooting a worried look towards the door. He licked his lips, glancing back at Marisol and Vic, only able to say, “Ah… um.”

Marisol laughed, getting up and hugging him. “The offer’s there, whether or not you fix my porch to look this nice.”

Eddie took a moment to stay out on the porch after they went in, until he was sure his face wasn’t red anymore.

He never corrected them.

Two days later, during his next shift, Eddie handed Hen the replacement book for Karen.

“Um…” Hen said, confused. “What’s this for?”

Chim peered over her shoulder, grinning. “Looks like Eddie thinks you need some help.”

Hen elbowed Chimney, while Eddie rolled his eyes. “It’s for Karen.”

“O…kay?”

Eddie left it at that.

He was almost done with his own copy, and he was thinking maybe he should start trying to use them. Just to see if he even could be any good at it. He knew he sucked at communicating and talking about his feelings and shit. It’d never been something he’d been encouraged to do, and he’d never felt comfortable doing it.

(Admitting he’d made a mistake, or that he didn’t know something, or that he needed help… hadn’t been exactly a thing he’d been encouraged to do growing up. He’d always known that, in a distant vague kind of way, but reading the book, he’d thought about the communication skills he’d grown up seeing and….)

He’d been thinking about it, a lot, what he’d been reading. About how it was as much about listening, as much as talking openly and effectively. About being willing to empathize with others and care about what they were saying and feeling. About how both people had to not get defensive and had to be patient, willing to see things from the other person's perspective.

He wasn’t sure he and Shannon had ever really done that. He’d never felt like he could be fully open with her, like she would hear his worries and fears and not judge him for them, or use them against him in an argument. He’d never felt like she heard what he was saying – and if he was being honest, Eddie didn’t think he’d ever heard what she was saying, either.

Eddie didn’t think it was going to come easy to him, this communication thing. But… well. He didn’t want any potential relationship he maybe decided to start with Buck to crash and burn like his marriage with Shannon had. There was too much at stake – their friendship, their work relationship, _Chris_ , Abuela – for Eddie to risk it. So, he’d have to try.

He just wasn’t too sure where to start. How to start. 

His worry must have been increasingly apparent, because he was halfway through his workout two days later when Buck appeared next to him, steadying the bag.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

Eddie shook his head. “Nothing.”

Buck raised a brow. "You sure?"

Eddie sighed. “I’m just – Karen lent me this book, and it’s just got me thinking a lot. About my marriage with Shannon, and – stuff.”

There was a little frown on Buck’s face and he was watching Eddie with just a bit of concern, and some curiosity. It didn’t make Eddie feel uncomfortable.

“Like, in a bad way? Or…?”

Eddie shrugged, stepping away and unwrapping his hands. “No? Maybe? She said our relationship wasn’t healthy,” he confessed in a whisper, shooting a look around. “That it’s not normal to fight all the time.”

Buck made a face, shrugging and said, “Hey, don’t look at me. My parents are not the greatest example of anything so usually I just try to do the opposite of what they would. And all my relationships have just been flings or they failed – like with Abby. We didn’t fight but – I don’t know.” Buck tilted his head, thinking obviously. “I thought back then we did talk about things, and we pretty open, but looking back I think we didn’t talk about what we wanted out of the relationship enough. We didn’t really talk about how I moved into her apartment when her mom died, or how I really felt about her leaving – so…” He shrugged and offered Eddie a wry kind of look. “I think our best bet for good relationship example is Bobby and Athena.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, snorting quietly. They moved over to one of the benches, sitting down. Eddie grabbed his towel from the ground, wiping his face off and setting it over his shoulders, trying to gather his thoughts into something coherent. “It’s just – I’ve been reading the book and…. Karen was right, I think. Shannon and I didn’t – we didn’t know how to actually listen to each other. To hear what the other person was really saying. I guess it’s just got my mind all twisted up, you know?”

“I can imagine it's a lot to think about, and not easy because of what happened," Buck said carefully. "But just because you don't think it wasn't - good in that way, doesn't mean that it was all bad, does it? Like - you two both loved Chris. You cared about her, and she cared about you, right?” Buck said.

Eddie shrugged.

Buck was watching him, a small, sad half-smile on his face. "I'm just saying. Maybe there were issues that needed to be worked on. But it doesn't mean you or her were bad people. It just - means that you have something to learn from, right? You're good at that, Eddie - you're always working to improve, even if what you're already doing is fine. And people aren't perfect, no one is all the time. So no relationship can be perfect. Just...." Buck huffed, shaking his head. "I don't know. I'm probably not the best to talk about it with, but you know I'm always here to listen, or help however you need, right?"

"Yeah. I know Buck. Thanks."

“Anytime, Eddie. I've always got you.” Buck got up, stretching – and oh what a fucking showoff, Eddie thought – and gave Eddie one last smile before heading off to the weights again.

Eddie watched him for a moment. He hadn't thought, really, about looking around himself now for some kind of example of a relationship that might be better, healthier to use Karen's terms. It still felt weird to even think that the ones he had known before... weren't so great. But Bobby and Athena both had been married before to other people, and to each other - they had to know how to make a lasting, healthy relationship, right? Bobby's first wife had died, and Athena and Michael's situation was... unique, but they were still friends, still close. And Eddie didn't think he could name a more solid couple that he knew, than Bobby and Athena.

The conversation with Buck about what was worrying him had definitely helped Eddie work out some of the tangles in his head. Buck hadn't accused Eddie of trying to blame Shannon or make excuses for why their relationship hadn't worked, or pointed out all the ways Eddie had failed before, he'd just tried to reassure Eddie it was okay to have not been perfect and that he was -

 _Oh_ , he realized, abruptly.

Oh, that’s – that was….

Their conversation had been easy. It hadn't been hard to tell Buck what he was thinking, to admit to how he felt. Eddie hadn’t felt judged for confessing to his mistakes and to how he was tangled up in his thoughts. He hadn't felt like Buck was just humoring him. Sure, Eddie hadn’t admitted to some of his stress being worrying about doing things right with Buck, because he wasn’t ready. But....

Eddie breathed in and out very measuredly.

He didn’t let himself dwell on it. They were at work, and he needed to be ready for any calls that came through. (And, later, plenty of them did, including a three-car crash that shut down all but one lane of traffic on the freeway, which was always a fucking mess.)

But later, when he got home, he dug his copy of the book out and flipped through it, looking at places he’d underlined – especially at the part where it covered talking openly about your feelings, and actually hearing what someone was saying and addressing them. 

He thought of Buck. Eddie’d been a mess, with the months of disaster that seemed to plague the 118. The explosion, Shannon dying, Buck’s embolism, the tsunami – and then the lawsuit. It’d been so much in such a short amount of time really. Eddie’d been furious – he’d yelled at Buck in a supermarket, and Buck had gotten snappish at him (Eddie didn’t think he’d ever heard Buck actually yell in an argument, and it was something he tucked away in a corner of his mind to consider later).

At that time, neither of them had been listening, Eddie thought.

But later. Once Buck was back, and he’d asked Eddie to talk to him, even if it was just to say he was mad – they’d started listening then. Eddie got it, what Buck had been feeling then and in the moment, and it’d been easy to forgive him. And later – about the fighting, Buck had brought it up again, apologized again – for the things Eddie had yelled about all the way back in the supermarket even.

Because he’d listened, and he’d _heard_ Eddie.

Fucking hell.

He and Buck had been – doing this, hadn’t they? For a while now. Maybe not perfect, maybe not always, but….

Eddie told Buck almost everything. His worries for Chris, when he was suddenly struck again with anger and grief over Shannon, hell, Eddie let Buck see him post-nightmare and having a fucking breakdown on the floor in his hallway.

And Buck was always there. Not judging, not pitying, not annoyed or upset or – he just was there for Eddie, in whatever way Eddie said he needed him. He asked, sometimes pushed gently, if Eddie wasn’t being very forthcoming, but… he always seemed to know what Eddie needed to hear, what Eddie was trying to say.

Buck was Eddie’s best friend. He was one of the most solid supports in Eddie’s life the past two years. Since they’d fixed their friendship after the lawsuit and everything, Eddie had never felt like there was anything he couldn’t tell Buck about.

Even now, when Eddie was keeping this mess of confusion he felt over his sexuality and feelings for Buck – it wasn’t that Eddie was keeping it to himself because he didn’t think Buck could react badly or anything. If Eddie wanted to, he could tell Buck about it right then, and Buck would listen to him, and try to help in whatever way Eddie let him. If Eddie said he wanted space, Buck would give it to him. If Eddie said he had no idea what he was feeling or doing, Buck would reassure him, probably make him laugh, point out why it wasn’t a bad thing.

It didn’t _scare_ Eddie, the idea of telling Buck whatever was going on inside his head, no matter how guilty it made him feel, or how shameful, or how much of a mess it showed him to be.

Eddie – trusted Buck.

And okay. Eddie had known that. He trusted Buck on the job easily, and he knew Buck trusted him. (Sometimes they didn’t agree on calls or a course of action, but they always backed the other up when push came to shove, always dedicated themselves 100% to whatever course of action they took.) He trusted Buck with Chris – and that had always been easy. Eddie had always seen how Buck loved Chris, and he’d known without a bit of doubt that Buck would do anything for his kid, to keep him safe and happy.

Just… Eddie hadn’t really realized.

He trusted Buck with _him_.

So maybe, Eddie kind of freaked out about that revelation for a few days.

“Karen still won’t tell me why she needs a book about _communication in relationships_ ,” Hen said, leaning forward onto the counter and staring at Chimney almost pleadingly. “Why does she need that? Why did she get Eddie to get it for her?”

Eddie glanced up from his spot on the couch where he was trying to read a book (and failing, because he couldn’t get his thoughts to not circle back to the last book he’d read, and how he had realized that Eddie actually trusted Buck with all the broken ugly pieces of him). Hen and Chimney were both looking at him, brows raised – Hen desperately, Chim curiously.

Eddie just smiled and shrugged. “She needed it.”

Hen groaned, loudly, and Eddie hurried to hide his smile in his book.

Buck, dangerously perched on top of the upper floor railing nearby, glanced between them all. Slowly, he grinned. “Maybe she’s trying to figure out how to tell you something big Hen.”

“Like _what_?”

Buck shrugged, tossing his apple up in the air and catching it. Eddie couldn’t help keeping one eye on the fucking idiot, who hopefully wouldn’t be struck with the bad luck to fall backwards. He only had one foot hooked around a lower railing, like that was going to actually secure him in place.

“She’s not _my_ wife.”

“Hen, Hen,” Chimney hurried to reassure. “It’s probably nothing that bad.”

“That bad?” Hen echoed. “Oh, so it might be sort of bad? A little bad? How bad are you thinking here, Chim?”

Bobby looked over from the kitchen. There was that small wrinkle between his brows, but the edges of his mouth were tentatively upturned. “I’m sure there’s nothing wrong Hen,” he said.

Hen didn’t look convinced.

“Did you forget an important date or something maybe?” Buck suggested. Eddie glanced at him again; the tone had been one of innocent suggestion, and Buck sure looked innocently curious and concerned. His head was tilted slightly, brows furrowed, eyes a little wide.

Eddie raised a brow at him. Buck caught his eye and winked quickly.

Snorting under his breath, Eddie focused on his book.

“What?” Hen asked, eyes on Eddie. “What was that laugh for? _What do you know Diaz?”_

“Nothing,” he said, holding up his book a bit, keeping his expression even. “Book’s funny, is all.”

“It’s a murder mystery,” Chimney pointed out in disbelief.

“Characters can still say funny things.”

“Like what?”

The alarm went off. Buck jumped down from the railing, clapping Eddie briefly on the shoulder before daring off ahead of everyone.

“Why did Karen need that book?” Bobby asked him quietly, as they followed the others.

Eddie glanced to make sure no one was paying attention, then gave Bobby a wicked grin. “Because I wrote all over her copy when she let me borrow it.”

Bobby grinned, big and amused, and clapped a hand to his back before heading on ahead of him.

The thing was… once Eddie started noticing that he trusted Buck, that he felt _safe_ not being 100% around Buck, he couldn’t _stop_ noticing. For two weeks, it was like he kept getting blindsided by all these different ways, big and small, that showed it.

It was there for anyone to see in what felt like a thousand different ways.

Buck had keys to Eddie’s house. Eddie had insisted Buck just show up whenever he wanted until Buck actually did so.

Eddie was filling out the paperwork for the new school year coming up in just over a week, and realized he’d put Buck as an emergency contact, the top one above even Abuela for when Eddie couldn’t be reached.

Buck knew Eddie’s house as well as Eddie did. He knew Eddie’s kitchen _better_ than he did. He had clothes stashed in one of Eddie’s drawers that had accumulated there over time, including a uniform for work.

Eddie didn’t mind Buck touching him after a flashback nightmare.

Eddie had let Buck see him actually fucking _cry_.

Eddie didn’t worry, not one bit, when Chris was with Buck.

Eddie’s phone’s lockscreen was one of the pictures from the zoo, of Buck and Chris smiling while feeding the giraffes. It had been since the trip. Eddie showed it to people all the time – he’d just never thought about what it must look like.

But, even more than all of _that_ , was the fact that Buck noticed when Eddie wasn’t okay. No matter how Eddie tried to hide it, Buck _saw_.

At Pepa’s party. After the rough shift the day before that – after any rough shift really. Buck would just – quietly take care of Eddie. Lean against him, so Eddie could lean back into the solid support of Buck. Talk quietly about something that was just distracting enough that Eddie wanted to listen, but didn’t have to engage.

He made Eddie’s favorite foods when Eddie was stressed, and he deflected for Eddie when he wasn’t in the right headspace to talk to others just yet, and he never once made Eddie feel weak or ashamed.

It was – kind of terrifying, to realize how much Buck was seeped into all aspects of Eddie’s life. To see how much Buck had wormed his way into Eddie’s cracks and crevices. It Buck wanted, he could absolutely shatter Eddie, destroy one of the foundations he’d built his life here in LA on.

Eddie rolled over in bed and tried to sleep. He had a shift the next morning, and he needed to be rested.

When Chris climbed into bed with him, Eddie felt – better. Calmer. More settled.

He carried Chris into the kitchen to start breakfast. Eddie could at least manage scrambled eggs decently enough. He’d gotten better at not burning the toast too, though he still insisted to anyone who would listen that it was the toaster’s fault for not actually toasting the bread enough at the right setting, so he had to do it twice.

Buck had laughed when Eddie had said it last time he was over, and suggested Eddie ask Santa for a new toaster this year. Chris had laughed until he had the hiccups at that one.

Nothing had changed, Eddie realized. Buck had been part of his and Chris’ life basically from the start. He’d found them Carla, and he’d been over all the time, helping Eddie out and playing with Chris, befriending him instantly. He’d just – seeped deeper and deeper into their lives. He attended family dinners on Sunday. He was with them more often than not during the week. He – he fit. He’d always fit with them.

Maybe Buck had the power to break Eddie more than Eddie thought anyone else had ever had. But Buck… he wasn’t going to do that. It – it was _Buck_. Not only did Eddie think Buck didn’t have a cruel bone in his fucking body, but Buck just wouldn’t do it. Not to Eddie and Chris. Buck knew so many of Eddie’s secrets, the things he was ashamed of letting anyone see, family, friends, the team. Buck knew them.

He had for a while.

Not once had Buck ever done anything except use that knowledge to help… protect Eddie.

Maybe Eddie should be annoyed by that. That Buck ran interference or whatever. But it was… comforting. Reassuring.

It just made Eddie feel safe, and seen, and… loved.

 _Holy fuck_.

And… Eddie was pretty sure Buck had noticed that Eddie – well, that Eddie was attracted to him.

He thought of all the touches lately, the sly smiles and teasing comments, the soft way Buck watched him sometimes – and the less soft, intense way too. Eddie looked at all of that and realized… Buck fucking _knew_. Eddie didn’t have to tell him, Buck had just – known. Somehow. Eddie wasn’t sure, and he wasn’t sure when Buck had actually figured it out.

But he had, hadn’t he? Buck had seen that Eddie was attracted to him, and not just that, Buck had seen that _Eddie wasn’t ready_.

That meant Buck had been – he’d been flirting lately, hadn’t he? Just a little. Subtly. Eddie wasn’t exactly sure why. Testing to see if Eddie noticed? How Eddie reacted?

Maybe, he’d ask. Maybe, when Buck came over later for their trip to the park, while Chris was playing Eddie could talk to Buck. Let him know he’d noticed the flirting. Ask Buck why. See what Buck said – hey, just another chance to test out those communication skills from the book, right?

Maybe… maybe Eddie _was_ ready. At the least, maybe he was ready to let Buck in on what was going on with him, and see what Buck wanted to do. They could work something out that was comfortable for both of them, whether that be just trying to date, or kind of continuing as they had been while Eddie figured his shit out – he didn’t know. But it suddenly felt a little unfair to leave Buck just wondering or assuming or – or, maybe, just clinging to hope.

Eddie thought, if he were in Buck’s position, he would like being told, even if nothing changed. He’d like being – trusted.

And hell if Eddie didn’t trust Buck, unconditionally.

“Mijo,” Eddie said as he grabbed their plates. “Go get dressed, okay? Remember to pick clothes that you don’t mind getting dirty.”

“When’s Bucky gonna be here for the park?” Chris asked.

“Probably in an hour or two.” Before it got too hot in the day.

Chris grinned, hurrying down the hall to his room as if Buck would arrive faster if Chris was ready sooner. Eddie grinned, shaking his head.

His heart was a little fast, and he felt a little like he was shaking, though when he held his hands out they were still. It wasn’t – bad, though. It wasn’t an anxious feeling… it was excited nerves. Like those on a first date, when you weren’t sure precisely how things were going to go, but you were pretty sure it’d be a good time.

Eddie laughed, right there in his kitchen. He bounced on his toes a bit, trying to shake the jittery feeling off, and thought about maybe asking Buck to come over a little early. They wouldn’t be able to talk, Chris would be determined to have Buck’s attention for a while first, but maybe Eddie could ask to talk later.

He wanted to.

He wanted to tell Buck how he was feeling, what he was thinking maybe he was learning to recognize about himself.

Eddie felt _hopeful_ and _excited_ and he could barely remember the last time he felt like this about someone.

There was a knock at the door.

His heart jumped, even though he knew it wasn’t Buck (Buck would just let himself in, like Eddie had always told him to). He almost slipped in the hall, still feeling quick and jittery with the excited nerves bubbling up inside him. There was a second knock already, and Eddie wasn’t even annoyed by the apparent impatience of whoever was there.

“Just a sec,” he called, loud enough to be heard, working the lock on the door open. It always stuck a bit, required a jiggle with the key on the outside and a bit of muscle inside. He finally got it, and pulled the door open.

His heart leapt straight into his throat and he swore he could feel his whole body go cold. He stared, swallowing past the lump in his throat, thrown off balance by the unexpected guests standing in front of him.

“Eddie.” His mother raised her brow. “Are you going to make us stand here on the porch like strangers or invite us inside?”

Numbly, Eddie stepped back, letting them walk into his house.

Fuck.

**Author's Note:**

> I was talking about how I always have in my head what books I'm talking about when they are at the library (because I'm a children's librarian and talking about books gets me excited), and was told I should absolutely share that information. So, in this chapter we have:  
> 
> 
> [Science Comics: Sharks](https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781626727885)  
> [Investigators](https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250219954)  
> [Mañanaland](http://www.pammunozryan.com/mananaland/)  
> [Ghost Squad](https://www.claribelortega.com/ghostsquad)
> 
> I think I wrote that conversation in the gym alone a dozen times, and I'm still not ENTIRELY happy with it, but at this point I think I just won't be after so many edits.
> 
> I start a webinar workshop tomorrow that my supervisor's supervisor volunteered me for, and that lasts a month. It has readings and homework, PLUS I'll be dealing with reopening stuff and summer reading prep so... I may be busy. I saw this in case updates do actually slow down, but also I'll probably be de-stressing by engaging even more in fandom. It has happened before - Stressed-Juliann = Avoids Stressors by writing lots of fanfic Juliann.


End file.
